This is me.

Hello, my name is Thuy An “Annie” Jokyu Ho.

I live my life day by day. I don’t take things too seriously, though sometimes I should. I am a professional writing major at York University. I am a procrastinator. I finish things at the very last minute, anything that’s 10 pages and over I would start 4 days before it is actually due. Anything that is less than 6 pages, I would start and finish the night before it’s due. It’s a wonder how I actually passed my first year with decent marks. I keep telling myself that I will start the next essay early, but I was never one to take my own advice.

People first think of me as hyper, fun and bubbly. But what if that’s all a mask? We all wear masks and we all have different roles to play in society.

I’m not as innocent as I seem to be. I had and still continue to commit sins in my life. And unlike most people, I am very aware of my sins. Every day I ask God to give me strength to fight my inner demons. Though I never killed anyone, I did wish harm on those who hated me. But now I see the error of my ways, and I take back every word. Because no matter how much I hate them, or they hate me, everyone has the right under God’s law to live life to the very end.

Everything I’ve done up to now is to prove people wrong. I do it to see the reaction of those who never had faith in me. I do it because I want to break free from the expectations placed upon me. I do it because I want to boost my pride...to make myself feel that I was worth something in my own life.

Growing up, I was never good at math, science, or any of those “Asian subjects.” Come to think of it, I barely passed grade 11 biology and almost failed grade 12 math. But I was blessed to have creativity by my side. I want to take a moment to thank the fine arts/liberal arts courses at York because they allowed me to exercise my creativity, from this I grew artistically during my first year, and I hope this journey will never end. I never considered myself to be a smart person, but a certain T.A this year convinced me otherwise.

I like to lose myself in music, art, dance, photography, writing, reading and designs. But somehow that never seem to be enough for those who are around me. “No, you must be a doctor,” or “You have to be a lawyer and make good money!” This was the reason why I rebelled against my own family. And this was the reason why I grew to hate the “Asian expectations.” I was blessed to have parents who understand, because they too, at one point in time tried to make me into something I am not. Don’t get me wrong, I know parents do it out of love, to make sure their kids have the best possible outcome for their life, but at what cost? I know there are kids out there that end up loving what their parents picked out of them, and there’s nothing wrong about that. But then there are the kids who doesn’t like what their parents picked out for them, what do you do then?

I have an older half brother, who is very successful. Parents tried to make me go into accounting and be like him, to be successful like him. I was young back then, and agreed to go down this path. Not far down this path, I figured I suck at numbers, and that during this time my creativity died down. I stopped and started to rebelled against this system they had placed upon me. As I said before, I was blessed to have understanding parents and they let me do whatever I want to this day.

It would be nice to have a job that can earn you lots of money but at the end of the day, can materialistic expenses buy happiness? We buy stuff to make us feel better but once the “shiny new toy” isn’t new anymore the feelings disappear.

Besides my family and close friends, I have yet to experience to love someone with all my heart and soul, to give them all of me. I am blessed to have many guys following, supporting and even “loved” me. I am cursed and wretched to not have the strength to keep them in my life. Most I see as friends, nothing more, nothing less because I strongly believe that all of them deserve better than me and what I have to offer.

I also had my share of sadness. I’ve lost an amazing Uncle when I was young and it’s so hard to remember him now. I had my heart and trust shattered a couple of times. I was betrayed by a friend and till this day I have yet to figure out why they did it. One thing you must know about me is that I give my trust out too easily but if you break it, it’s going to take a hell of a lot to get it back. And yet, I never learn my lesson because the next person I meet, I will trust and befriend them.

I often dream about the future. But the future is never guaranteed. And so I try to live my life with no regrets and that everything I’ve done is what God had for me. I also often dream about meeting “the one.” The one who can save me from myself. I am cheesy because I have a book full of poems that I write about “the one,” and hope that I can give it to him one day.

I have a loving mother that I care about so much. Even though sometimes we had our rough mother/daughter moments, she was still my best friend. She provided me with the strong emotional connection that a child needs when they were young. My father on the other hand...we never had that emotional bond, and doubt we ever will.

I wish I was talented. I always love to try new things, I’m always bouncing off the walls, but I was never good a special thing that I can call my talent.

I keep telling myself that if I keep holding on a bit longer, smile a bit wider, and be genuine, a better outcome might make its way to me.

I keep telling myself if I stay true to myself, that one day someone will see it and accepts me for who I am, with all my imperfections and flaws.

I keep telling myself if I continue to practice dancing, that one day I can perform on life’s stage.

And so far in my life, I’ve learned that:
It is not impossible to follow your dreams.
It is possible to forgive and be forgiven.
It is possible to be loved.
It is possible for one to love.

And it is a pleasure to meet you =)

-Annie

Internet is my "Soma"

"Soma" aka. The Happy Drug. Some may not know what it is I am talking about. The term "soma" can be understood if you are in the specific discourse of 1980: PRWR. I don't want people who don't understand this term to feel left out because I am using jargon, so I will further explain what "soma" is.

"Soma" is a term that Aldous Huxley came up with. Who is Huxley you ask? He's the author of "Brave New World." The story takes place in a dystopian world where everything seems perfect. Yes, everything seems "perfect" and you might say this is a utopia. People are born and conditioned to love what they have in this novel. Wouldn't that be nice? To love the things we have rather than the things we want. If I was in this book I would love my height of 5"2, but I am not so I hate my height. So in this book, people are programmed and if they have the slightest worry, suspicion of the higher authority, they take "soma." "Soma" takes care of any worry, insecurity, stress, suspicion etc. hence, it is called "the happy drug" because it makes you happy. It doesn’t take care of the problem, worry, stress but rather numbs it. I think the equivalent of “soma” in today’s society is weed, crack, and all those illegal drugs.

But my “soma” isn’t cocaine or weed. It’s the internet and sometimes the T.V. I am in my exam season here at York University, and we all know how stressful this is. Especially, in the first year. So, I numb myself by going on the internet. Here, I don't question anyone, I watch videos on YouTube, do quizzes that seems to determine who I am on facebook, looking up the latest celeb gossip on Perez etc. And I can say this for most people now, because statistics shows that there are more people using the internet now than ever.

I mean think about it. If you are stressed, worried, anxious, and have no access to the next door drug dealer, you’re mostly likely looking up drama or some show on YouTube. Or turn on the T.V and go on a marathon watching Star Trek. And I was sitting here, thinking... “What is wrong with me?” I’ve been sitting in front of the computer the whole day doing absolutely nothing productive AND IT’S EXAM SEASON!!

But why does technology and media seem to numb me more than other things? I mean, I paint and draw (I guess if I’m stressed, the painting won’t turn out as well). But there are other things I can do right? I think the fact that sitting in front of the computer and T.V requires less energy than picking up a paint brush, or running around trying to do head spins. Then there is also the psychological element to media. I watch these shows, movies, dramas to take my mind of things because they have elements of fantasy. As I watch these shows, dramas...I wish I was living in their world and experience what the characters are experiencing (Imagine having a lightsaber fighting with Darth Vader, wouldn’t that be awesome?) It’s like I am in another universe that everything else didn’t matter. But see, that just numbs me for the time being, and once it’s over the reality kicks in that I still have to study for the exams that won’t magically disappear.

And so I leave you with this question, “What is your ‘soma’? What keeps you ‘numb’ when in time of stress, insecurity, self-doubt etc?”